y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
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husband: help me choose a baby name.
me: ok, but shouldn’t we go with an adult one?
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Friend: Wanna go out tonight?
Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.