y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
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Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
there has never been a better use of this meme
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.