Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars

[goes to walmart]

[later]

Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?

Me: Even better than that…

[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]

The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.

“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults

Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.

7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?

Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet

Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!

[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears

scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10

scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves

My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart

Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?

I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.

[at the pool]

4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?

Me: so nobody steals it

4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.

Me: most thieves dress like regular people

4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white

Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?

Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.

Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.

I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon

son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka

my mom: curfew’s 9:00

me: please mom i’m in a gang now

my mom:

me: how about 9:15

Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.

Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?

Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?

ME: Who’s a good boy?

MY DOG: What have you heard?

saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs

[marriage counseling]

Ginny- He always hides from our problems.

Therapist- Is this true?

Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.

The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit

If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.

Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.

[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me

A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.