Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.
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I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”
Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.