Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.
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Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam
distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Tremendous stuff
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
his wife is probably gonna see that
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
what’s really going on
