Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.
You Might Also Like
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.