Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.

my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire

Being brave is overrated.

Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.

I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.

She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.

I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes

There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy

It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity

[at wedding]

Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace

Me (raises hand)

Pastor: It’s your wedding

Me (lowers hand)

Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.

Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”

A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.

Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.

my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch

– when did competitive farting become a thing

– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds

– bean-free chili recipes

My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.

[Doctors appointment]

Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*

Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.

Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.

Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.

If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.

School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet

Her, 5: can I have another pickle?

Me: no more pickles

Her: can I stare at the pickles?

Me: sure

I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …

There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.

my gf left me bc i’m paranoid

nvm she’s back, she went pee

H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope

I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.

Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.

Finally! 😈

The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less