yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
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putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy