yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
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[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.