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Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free