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(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Something Saturday.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK