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CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I’m going to let this happen but in no scenario do I see it ending well.
-me sharing my fries
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Bear
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
If it’s a leap year, you should get an extra day at the end of the year when you need it. Not in February. Who needs an extra day of February
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.