Y’all ready for this
You Might Also Like
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
You’re all using your crystals wrong. Put them in a sock and start swinging.