Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation

Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.

Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups

Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.

“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”

*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*

“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”

dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s

I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.

What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?

ㅤ

[inventing napkin dispenser]

bob: it has two settings

ceo: ok

bob: one at a time

ceo: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

ceo: first of all i love it

5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese

Me: I brought hay, but I don’t think I can fit much inside me.

HR: Did… did you think we were hiring an assistant manger?

Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off

Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it

starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side

Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.

A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress

When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies

Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy

My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.

As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times

By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.

-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable

Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.

My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.

Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning

Me: Why

Bob the Builder: can we fix it?

Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.

Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace

If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.

Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.

My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.

Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.

me: any clue how my house burned down

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does