Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.

I am a genie. I grant you three wi—

Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*

angel: you died

me: oh no

angel: but at least you lived a good life

me:

angel: helped others

me:

angel: did all u could

me:

angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I

me: I didn’t wanna interrupt

My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.

I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.

Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.

[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them

My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense

My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?

Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.

Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!

My dad:

Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.

This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.

Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.

[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me

North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.

Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s

Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad

My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.

My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.

me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller

her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you

11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

🥲

date: what’s your dream job?

me: designing food stats for RPGs

date: umm ok… *sips water*

me: [under breath] -2 thirst

Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol

a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread

Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs

[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”