Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
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My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
no their not
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
This is hilarious….
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen