Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”

I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.

No flush

ME: [gets into a car accident]

EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.

sneezy geese carry a honkerchief

Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.

I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.

The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.

*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT

[spreading rumors]

me: R
O
R
U M
S

People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.

ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.

*Job interview

Him: Any special achievements?

Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed

H: Alright, you’re hired

M: Really?

H: No.

To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

Bus duty in the library after school.

Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,

Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.

Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.

When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A

Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.

A Match(.com), but for socks.

A fella staggers exhausted into his house.

“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.

“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.

“You idiot” says his wife.

“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”

Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.

My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex

Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?

Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.

writer: you know how cats chase mice?

producer: yea?

writer: this one has a twist

producer: *leaning back* go on

writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat

producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!

writer: i call it tom & jerry

producer: *wiping tears* those are my names