Leonardo DiCaprio: I’m dating a 22 years old.
Dane Cook: hold my beer.
Dane Cook’s girlfriend: I can’t.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
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I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
*Doing the hokey pokey*
Snake: guys, this is some bullshit
The story of Rudolph is a great way to let your kid know that bullies will keep torturing him until he’s famous, then they’ll be his friend.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
People are obsessed with this storm but in ten years no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.