@jctwritesstuff

Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.

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@MohanadElshieky

Leonardo DiCaprio: I’m dating a 22 years old.

Dane Cook: hold my beer.

Dane Cook’s girlfriend: I can’t.

@sock_holliday

I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis

@WilliamAder

Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.

@robfee

The story of Rudolph is a great way to let your kid know that bullies will keep torturing him until he’s famous, then they’ll be his friend.

@MasterOfFury

“Where was you at?”

I was probably not skipping English class.

@pilau

Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?

Ruffles: bark!

Me: a word to describe shouting an order?

Ruffles: bark!

Friend: he’s just woofing

Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot

@GuyEndoreKaiser

People are obsessed with this storm but in ten years no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.

@samdunsiger

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.