Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
You Might Also Like
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”