Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
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Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
My birth announcement for our third baby
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
😭😭
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.
*reads your timeline*
Or maybe not
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs