Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
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I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
I wish I could listen to my headphones when I go for a run and not have to worry about getting attacked, but sadly we do not live in a world where I go running.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
I hate it when people accuse me of lollygagging when i’m quite clearly dilly dallying.
I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is