Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.

But no, she’s still alive.

Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?

Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.

99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.

‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’

– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.

I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.

You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.

I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out

My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office

Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.

Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.

Me: You first, pal.

You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.

Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]

My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.

Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”

I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.

(Gaming support cat.)

[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”

“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”

“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”

Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?

spicy snake

I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.

[carnival]

me: I’d like an elephant!

face painter: on your cheek or…?

me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised

As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.

Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.

Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?

My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”

[Blazing hot day]

Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.

~ My mom.

December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.