Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
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I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
U talkin 2 me?
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?