yall want some gasoline milk
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[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Roses are red
Violets are blue
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair