yall want some gasoline milk
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Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
dude it’s called proctologist
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Can’t stop laughing
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.