yall want some gasoline milk
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Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
