yall want some gasoline milk
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[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this