Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…
I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed
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Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN