Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…

Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.

(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!

Courtroom:

Me: … Well this is embarrassing

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.

why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays

Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.

What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck

me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT

y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.

this is where I found it today

He’s like the ocean

Deep and dirty

Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.

Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.

BaD BoY!!

Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?

(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?

Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate

I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.

Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.

Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.

Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.

Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.

Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.

For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.

Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”

Unpopular opinion

The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.

I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.

[ Mt. Everest camp ]

First climber: hey where’s your buddy?

Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.

Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.

My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.