Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
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First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Pilgrim: What the hell is that?
Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.
– The first green bean casserole.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.