Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS

i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks

COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!

ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*

CW: uuhh…

Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is

Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-

Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*

If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.

I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”

NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you

WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers

My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.

Only 99 problems?

Pfft. Amateur.

The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.

I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.

Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad

Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”

i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham

A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.

I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable

Me: *googles my symptoms*

WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.

I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas

Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.

I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice

For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty disappointed in them ever since though

The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.

MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport

bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?

me: hey give that back 🙁

[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]

Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all

“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on