Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?

If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.

I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me

Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!

[2 days into diet]

Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change

My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.

Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.

I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?

Whore it is.

Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.

Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating

In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma

me: h—

bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in

my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice

What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.

This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab

Sign of the day..

[out in public]

Me: A kid is crying.

Wife: It’s not one of ours.

[we fist bump]

It’s 9:00 p.m. And an ice cream truck just blew past my house . Doesn’t he know I can’t run that fast

From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”

That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces

My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.

I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”

[seaworld]

“Hey what happened to the new guy?”

-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6

“But there’s a shark in tan..”

-BINGO!

When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.

Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol

You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year

I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming

If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.