y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
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drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?