Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house

[Job interview]

Employer: please explain the gap on your resume

Me: what…they were hiring

I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option

im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*

shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to

[Doctor’s Office]

Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….

Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*

Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.

Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?

Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what

I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.

when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you

Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.

I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.

I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.

[teaching teen to drive]

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.

Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?

Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*

Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.

Me: How’d you injure your back?

Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”

[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…

[another scientist who worked on the project] me too

Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.

Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.

It’s science.

nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed

I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it

How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?

Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*

🙁

BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.