YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
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Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Message from the dog groomers
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.