“Oh look, it’s sleeping!” “Oh look, it’s sleeping!” “Oh look, it’s sleeping!” -every trip to the zoo, ever
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
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Jokes on her! I LIKE sleeping on the couch.
Easily one of the best social distancing ads I’ve seen
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
A general tweet to those who attack me but I miss because they’re blocked:
I’m totally gutted. Well done. You’re fierce! You got me GOOD.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*