Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
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ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
The woke left? Without saying goodbye?
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR