Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
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It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.