Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck

My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.

Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?

BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday

[1 a.m. thursday night]

ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped

Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.

💀 😭

Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool

So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF

Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.

My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.

Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.

Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…

Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…

Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.

Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.

I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.

I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”

That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.

Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”

Polar bear says… “I was born with them”

Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.

Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.

Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??

I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.

*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop

Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl

My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.

Anyway, she’s my new life coach.

OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee