Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.

4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge

I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.

Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.

I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.

I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?

bartender: the usual?

me: you know it

bartender: [throws me thru window]

Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*

Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.

Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat

me: dentist said the kids have the plague

wife: plaque

me: yes a memorial would be good

The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants

The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.

A wise man once said nothing.

David Attenborough, the confusing early years

me: i’m doing well

webmd: you may want to sit down

I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”

I always thought a fortress was a female fort.

my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.

me:

me: nooks and crannies?

him: it’s a kind of candy.

me: whew

Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat

No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.

I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.

Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists

I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s

I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…

Autocannibalism is self-serving.