Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.

Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.

Social distancing in Australia:

I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.

Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.

Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!

Him: …

Me: …

Him: …

Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-

Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside

Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time

I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.

On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.

“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator

‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.

Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.

when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation

The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.

Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash

You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.

[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”

“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.

Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.

DOCTOR: I have bad news

MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo

Her: what was that about?

Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off

Her: at the zoo tho?

I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.

[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”

Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.

[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”

Haha no, he went to Disney World.

Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Here Cap.

Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?

What a kind woman! 😂😂

POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car

When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.

Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.

Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:

you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers