Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
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Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.