Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?

Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!

[voice recognition in car]

Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”

I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.

If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.

Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one

He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter

Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’

My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.

If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.

*winks with both eyes*

my mom: fix this for me

also my mom: no, not like that

still my mom: it’s not working

mom: wait it is now

If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.

You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?

JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.

*stings person*

FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…

JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.

The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.

me: it’s our third date, you know what this means

him: *confidently* I think I do

me: *saves his number in my contacts*

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.

The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.

According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…

Without the receipt, apparently.

DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?

ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’

DATING COACH: Show me

*I bite my lip seductively*

DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?

Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.

WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*

[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again

I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.

Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.

Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps

Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no

I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person