Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second

Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)

You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.

“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.

Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”

The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.

That’s not a tweet.

Alcohol: Yes it is.

Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:

Bruce Killis

“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”

[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]

If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”

Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan

“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs

My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.

Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy

Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help

Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!

I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?

*pounding on her chest*

DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!

*pounds harder*

(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!

CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.

[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome

HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century

Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”

and then there’s this guy:

Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.

“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*

I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.

[texting]

ME: I like you, I think you’re cute

MY CRUSH: oh um

ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that

How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.