Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh

Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website

I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.

Husband: …

“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”

~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.

Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!

Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy

My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy

Judas has been acting weird the last few days.

“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”

“I’m a cop.”

“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”

I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.

My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .

Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷‍♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial

Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?

Bagged lunch circa 1984

-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”

[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]

waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews

Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.

I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.

My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.

Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-

Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.

[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD

No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed

Dear Abby,

My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”

Help!

Perplexed in Poughkeepsie

Spoiler Alert: I was late

If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”

INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars

Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.

Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.

Told her to just roll them a little tighter.

The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.

How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?

Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance

A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants

When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.