Yard reviews
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“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
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MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
crying
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
im 7 sauces long
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)