Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.

Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.

Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?

Me: No, I don’t have that many.

My dog: Can I have one?

Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.

Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”

Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”

I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.

[ first day as a villain ]

him: hi, how are you

me: very evil, thank you

I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.

When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.

Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq

Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.

If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.

Try it…”Bluetooth connected”

Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation

Time for bed!
*puts phone down*

Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*

Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice

Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.

ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.

If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”

It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.

Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”

Me: *spits soup into bucket*

Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.

95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there

Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.

funeral catering business:

your loss, our gain

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell

I’m so hungry I could eat an apple

“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*

Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.

Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..

*how I slept

Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.

Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.