Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.

The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater

Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:

-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma

choose your fighter(holiday edition)

I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it

If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.

I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream

Old old old old old west

ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?

WIFE: The washing machine

And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year

10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?

Me: Well, son …

[to be continued]

I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle

911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.

911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.

911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.

Cop: Why did you burn that building down?

Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.

Cop: You’re free to go.

Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.

Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.

You’re the water to my grease fire.

CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?

CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.

I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser

Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.

In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.

“Laura, can you come and let me out?”

my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.

Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,

My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers

My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)

OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE

(one second later)

We’re getting a correction from the brain:

it is the world’s tiniest moth

Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.