Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
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Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…