Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
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gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Put the is in disheveled
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Mornin
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*