Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I met my wife on Tinder.!

*After 4 months of marriage

Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.

I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….

We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.

I just won the traveling with kids lottery.

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up

2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(I’m not deleting this)

Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.

Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof

Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.

Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.

My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??

Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour

The internet is full of many things

Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.

Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business

For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.

Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.

Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.

If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!

why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream

If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.

My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep

Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.

Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.

Me: how

Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir

I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist

So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.

Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.

I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.