Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot

Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.

i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!

I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.

Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.

@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck

Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.

me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster

gf: you know you could have just taken a photo

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii

Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.

Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.

Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.

Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.

One hamburger please

CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here

Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please

Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*

Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?

GPS: We have arrived at the bank.

Me: Okay, great.

GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.

Me: …What?

GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.

Me: I’m not going to rob —

GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun

I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.

Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run

Armadillo: Go on without me

Snake: no just-

Armadillo: @

Snake: Wait where the hell are you

Armadillo: @

Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.

Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.

ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload

Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.

figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives

*Adorns new baby with:

Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*

They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!

repaired

Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.

GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II

ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya

Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown

I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.

I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.

Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“

Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.