Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: you hate the moon.

Wolf: why?

God: he stole your girlfriend.

Wolf: I have a girlfriend?

God: not anymore.

Wolf: because the moon-

God: -stole her yes.

Wolf: I hate the moon.

God: I know.

Wolf: I just miss her so much.

God: let it out.

Wolf: [takes a deep breath]

Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*

Me: FINALLY! A break from that —

Brain: I’ll take it from here.

Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*

Him: *puts bacon in the oven*

Me: You win

Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.

Wife: What? Why?

Me: I was calling her Siri.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I’m naming our next kid.

My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”

-Inventing the bread bowl

hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER

[in a crowded elevator]

ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.

Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.

Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!

Criminal: Get outta my—

Rookie: STOP TALKING

nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!

*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*

ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla

my one true gender

I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.

I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school

I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s

Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”

[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]

My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby

I turn 25 in two weeks

I bet

Food puns are my love language

…what, they make me corny.

Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.

When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.

I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser

[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force

I could have been a monk but I missed my chants

What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?

I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.

Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.