[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
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Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Happy Taco Tuesday
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
When you don’t understand how floors work
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
about to have the best blueberries of my life
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most