[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
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[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.