[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
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Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Give us this day our daily internet validation
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*