Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in the car with the wife]

*I take both hands off the wheel*

Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive

I have half a mind to…

Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”

Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.

Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.

Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go

Math never tried to solve any of my problems.

If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.

MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT

My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!

~ My dog every time I use a broom

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald

Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.

KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.

Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers

Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.

Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE

My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.

Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!

[cocktail party]

BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?

ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.

mice after a breakup be like “we are not on squeaking terms”

Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.

Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think

Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.

INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich

If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve

I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.

We’re talking about food, right?

I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.

Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…