Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
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Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
No, you’re not getting it your honor
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
The booster protects against what, now?
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
“You can’t just erase people out of your life”
Me:
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution