Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
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My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.