Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
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9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
🐟✨ #re4
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.