*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
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Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.