*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
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Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
wtf is an acronym
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK