Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.

Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”

*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

Toddler: Because someone took my sock

Me: No one took your sock!

Toddler: Then where is it?!

Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity

Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.

Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl

Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg

Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition

Me: oh no

Doctor: and then you were in an accident

The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.

8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real

My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?

[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much

[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see

4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.

Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?

4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.

[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]

“Ptequila, pthanks.”

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.

[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing

I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.

I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.

I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking

H: What’s for breakfast?

M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*

H: Great, when are you making potatoes?

M: They’re in my orange juice.

Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant

Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.

Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!

Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.

Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”

“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”

*sigh*

“Because you don’t b-”

“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”

*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who

“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers

When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.

To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician