Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.

Toothpick use time frames:

30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it

60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth

90 seconds – Things are getting weird

120 seconds – Sexual predator

*chomping on a cookie*
Girl Scouts can’t run very fast

Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?

Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!

Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?

Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?

Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth

TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth

Maybe I misheard him…

But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.

i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’

My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.

I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.

😬

Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.

“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”

“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”

BISON DAD: good bye, son.

BISON SON: thank you, dad.

Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.

You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No

why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free

Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.

Old girlfriends tend to get offended.

Who knew?

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!

[black jack]

DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged

parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never

How to keep the seat next to you empty.

God: I’m calling this a horse

Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!

God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks

You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.

The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.

Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction

My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.

Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.