Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood

Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!

5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?

I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.

Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”

The Lion In Me:

Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you

*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute

I would never have a swear jar as

1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and

2. Imply that I have spare change.

Staying with my parents, pt. 17:

Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.

Mom: …

Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?

Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.

Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?

My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.

I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.

Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.

Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.

Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.

inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause

“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me

Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS

Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to

[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that

His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.

Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.

A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid

My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair

“I want you inside me.”

-says the quotation marks to the period-

Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.

Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?

Me: Obviously.

The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.

Get real…

A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.

The point of your 20s

I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?

You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance

Me: give me all the brisket you have

Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on