*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
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APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
If only
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
I love this❤️😁👍
Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway
This could be us but you eatin’
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.