*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
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All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
My yoga instructor: Do what feels good. Listen to your body.
My body: I want donuts.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.
This seems like peak sibling energy