*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
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Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
he looks great for his age
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.