Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
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Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.