Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens

Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.

The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.

God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.

HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.

[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help

in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened

“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick

not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven

With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”

I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.

Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.

Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?

Me: can I go?

Boss: of course.

Me: [goes home]

[in hell]

me: *sad* why am I here?

satan: you’re a murderer

me: what? no I’m not

satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl

me: *blushing* aww

Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore

Him: I’d like to hear you scream.

Me: *screams like a banshee*

Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.

[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it

My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.

My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.

Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter

Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king

arthur: oh, this sword?

merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?

arthur: table

merlin: what?

arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

🔦🌙👣