“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
You Might Also Like
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Not telling the NYPD how to do their job but if they really wanted to catch the guy they should have offered free healthcare as a reward
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
I forgot how to panic. Help
I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play