Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.

I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB

Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.

[when we’re a quarter of the way there]

Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-

Me: not yet Bon Jovi

[15mins into yard work]

my body: yeah… no.

“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.

“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”

But on he worked.

Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.

Thyme wounds all heels.

They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer

ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”

THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”

Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain

Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.

bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?

I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”

If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.

“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.

My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?

What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space

My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.

Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here

Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?

Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?

You’ve got some nerve

~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window

*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?

So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂

I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.

my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp

My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.

Me: is it ok if we have sex right now

Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking

Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree

Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman

At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.

[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!