“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
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My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔
My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020