“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
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I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Yo How the f##k you spell Matthew Micconohay
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
This is my cat’s medicine.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em