Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY

I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.

me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier

[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out

My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.

Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.

3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch

You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.

First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.

Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?

I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone

[wedding vows]

Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.

Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.

I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.

Me: I can’t do anything right

Therapist: You’re in my chair

Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….

Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!

“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here

Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?

Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.

Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:

My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”

When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.

This is why I have trust issues.

If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis

look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on

About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.

[out in public]

12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?

me: [showing him he’s wrong]

12: now you look like an idiot

me: i hate kids man.

[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.