Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
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Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!