Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
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hmm conte-me mais
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
At least try to make it slightly believable
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.