Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.

Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*

iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.

Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?

She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.

oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory

Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.

If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something

men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes

Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?

NASA: have you ever built a space ship?

Reporter: well no bu-

NASA: it’s really hard

Always look both ways before crossing a woman.

God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink

Angel: that’s pretty cool

G: but only a little bit

A: ooookaaaayy…

G: and they’re leaky as hell

A: there it is

I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment

*The British. The British need to hear this

13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.

If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’

Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.

My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.

Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.

it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”

[second date]

Me: so… is this your first police chase?

Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.

Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead

Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them

like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’

“I think therefore I am”

–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four

*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”

Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”

This is your brain.

*holds up a brain*

And this is your brain on drugs.

*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*

One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.

[post-abduction]

ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm

ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?

ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one

i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs

I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies