Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.

Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.

Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?

i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot

Approached a patron who was cooking a pot of ramen at a study table and said “I’m sorry but you can’t do that in the library.”
Indignantly they responded “Where do you expect me to do it? At my house?”
And I was like “Well when you say it like that it does sound unreasonable.”

Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket

Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

*time travels to the 1950s*

Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet

1950s person: incredible! How does it work?

Me:

What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf

I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be

“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”

They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.

I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.

Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child

*died in your arms tonight*

*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*

*buried in the woods the day after that*

im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out

just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie

Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.

If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?

Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.

Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.

[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked

That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.

I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye

All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.

pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?

[barbarians at the gate]

Me: I just need to let this song finish…

When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago

the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now