Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
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Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!