Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.

*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*

God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.

I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume

Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.

I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold

I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.

Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.

Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?

spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.

My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.

Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan

Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.

I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.

Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?

Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?

Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here

i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad

[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees

Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2

My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be

Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?

why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.

And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.

Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.

It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.

me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do

kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”

omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks

My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.