Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
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I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
“i am a sweet baby”
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.