yea so i messed up lol
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WIFE: So what did you do today?
ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.