Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
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*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Tapped in
How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”
I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.
I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.