Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
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Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
New word: Biscgret.
Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event