yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
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[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Please do it!
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
You might just have to resign…
I can’t believe the 12 days of Christmas is all birds and musicians and not a single thing with potatoes anywhere.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?