yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
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If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
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Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT