yeah 😭
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I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Tremendous stuff
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:
a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.